Randomness

We jump hoping to fly, and sometimes we are successful. We find ourselves soaring above the clouds so high and we feel like nothing can ever touch us. Then we fall, we fall hard and we look up towards sky with mixed feelings. Some look up with a positive outlook. They think that it was the best thing they ever did and they are ready for more. Others look up heartbroken wishing they never jumped. Wishing that they ‘d stayed on the ground. The rest have no idea what happened. They look up questioning and ignorant of their experience. For me, I still have no idea what think of it. Each summer I jumped into new chances and friends. But at the end it slammed in my face. It woke me up from my stupor. My imaginary thoughts of what could be were gone, and I realized that this island I was standing on was deserted and I was alone, again. The promises were broken just like my heart, and people I really cared about were gone.
I blame myself. I think I did something to make them not want to talk to me. They’re not here and I’m always alone. I hate them for having their life and their own friends. They post pictures, statuses, and so many other things and I sit alone thinking what the hell. Why can’t I have that? Then, I suppressed those thoughts because I knew they were selfish and wrong. I knew that if I continued to think like that what kind of friends would I deserve? So I closed up, I held everything in hoping, wishing and praying that it would all go away and God would make it better. Tomorrow is always a new day and people are different in every shade of light.
My last year in high school I forced myself to make new friends. I started to make friends with this guy. He was and still is a great guy and he was really there for me. He was the first guy I had started to really depend on. I must have been fucking crazy. He was my friend. But it didn’t last long, I guess I was holding onto him a little too tightly and we all know what happens when something like that happens, and when I let go he flew away.
I did find some great girls who became my best friend that year. I wish I had them before but I ‘m glad I found them when I did. I was able to become a good friend they’re still around I am blessed to know them. But they don’t take away the yeas of isolation and Loners Ville. I wish they could, and I wish I wasn’t affected by it. But I don’t care who you are if your social life consists of a computer and family and that’s it You will be affected by it You will be depressed and have issues in relationships. When abandoned—even if the person comes back years later—your affected by that. I know I am. I know that at the end of the day everyone will leave and I will be left alone. Maybe that’s why I can’t hold on to anyone maybe that is why every relationship I’ve ever had deteriorates to nothingness. And maybe that is why I have to believe there is God out there who loves me because then there is someone out there who will never leave me, or end up being pushed out because of my insecurities. I have to believe.